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Bachie Recap: Week Two

Episode 3

WE’RE BACK and I'm definitely not better than ever while nursing this never ending long weekend hangover, but we soldier on. My sore head is certainly not assisted by a fairly boring filler episode.

This week’s solo date is with Holly and starts out with Brooke cracking a joke about the two driving off into the sunset with a ‘just married’ sign on their car, followed by what looks to be a rehearsal for their first matrimonial dance, so we are Full. Steam. Ahead. This is followed by the two sitting on a couch and asking each other if they had fun. Spoiler alert, they both indeed had fun. In a sharp left turn from the giggles, this scene also allowed the women to shine a light on their lived experiences as queer women dealing with bi erasure. Such an important conversation to bring to prime time television - thanks, Bachie.

Now it is group date time and we have an inflatable obstacle course and a weird competitive compatibility game which, seven seasons in, is starting to feel like a broken record. It’s like zero stakes squid game and where’s the fun in that? Osh is asking the vital questions: Top sheet or no top sheet? If you answered top sheet, I assume you also drink chamomile tea and use a handkerchief.

Everyone is out to get Darvid, proving the first date curse can manifest in many ways. Someone complains that he’s “all eyes on Brooke and nothing else”. Yes, that is literally the point, Emily. Yes, I googled this woman’s name just to chastise her.

This theme continues into the cocktail party where everyone vocally disses Darvid because he… likes Brooke? Weird strat but OK. He is holding his own regardless and secures potentially the longest smooch in bach history. Seriously, this cocktail party is 70% them kissing and cradling each other’s heads.

Somehow at the rose ceremony it’s down to the love seat thief and another girl and she STILL does not get booted off. I actually know her name but I’m treating it like a Voldemort situation. Let us all pray for a spicier episode four.

Episode 4

This recap is less a review and more an open-ended love letter to the dream boat at this ep's single spa date, Konrad with a K. It turns out my sexual fantasy is a hot tradie wearing a bunny ear headband lovingly painting my face with clay. You learn something new everyday. Brooke has been swept off her feet by his abs and emotional vulnerability and so has the rest of Australia. If you don't make it to the end, call me.

Seriously, how could you not swoon at this??????

I will try to give a brief recap of what else happened for those actually here for a recap and not just vitriol, but I was very distracted picturing my future with K-rad.

My group chat wholeheartedly agreeing with me on the Konrad front.

This week's group date consists of a go kart and domestic chores relay. Very creative from the production team for once, I tip my hat.

Carissa did NOT win but is still chosen by Brooke for the private hang time and, I gotta tell you, if I had busted my ass untangling fairy lights and gave myself whiplash to win time with a girl and she chose a LOSER, I'd chuck a hissy fit. Unfortunately, the spark between Carissa and Brooke seems to have faded which is sad news for all my fellow turtle girl stans.

To spice up the happy family which has formed, this week's cocktail party sees four whole intruders entering the mansion. Everyone is threatened and territorial over the girl they've spoken to twice. The new people are not afraid to stomp on toes to win Brooke's heart. You know the drill.

New girl Jess makes a joke about lesbians moving in after the second date and gives Brooke a key to her house which is the funniest a contestant has ever been (intentionally). Osh announcing that four people are going home has sent everyone into a tailspin and contestants are taking tickets to chat to Brooke like they're at a Woolies deli counter and she is champagne leg ham.

Brooke has sided with the shiny new toys which has sent four originals, who I again cannot name, packing. Including but not limited to the love seat thief! The world makes sense once again.

And with that, to quote Holly, stick a fork in me I'm done.

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