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Bachie Recap: Week 5

EPISODE 8 (Tess)

Welcome back to the penultimate week of Bachmania as the group has thinned down to the top ten hopefuls for Brooke’s heart! The single date this week goes to Holly and the two are sitting down in the grass to learn how to weave together plants from their respective Indigenous country into love bracelets. Crafty! This lesson allows Brooke to open up about her journey connecting to her culture as well as her sexuality. Holly leaves with a rose and it is sweet and meaningful and drama-free which of course means limited commentary from me. As much as these two seem to be able to have deep and meaningful conversations, I fear the bach and bachette never really end up with the person that would be “best” for them, so Holly and Brooke might be TOO compatible? Doesn’t make sense, I know, but neither does love and reality TV.

The group date looks like they’ve simply crashed a year 6 athletics carnival as the contestants pair off with cute sprogs for what Brooke calls some “non-serious games”. Despite this, Millie almost crash tackles a 6 year-old which makes for good TV. Luca has hot zaddy patient PE teacher energy, but the extra time ends up going to our fave chatty man Kurt. He proceeds to whisper-talk some cute shit about marriage and gets a rose!

At the cocktail party it’s announced that there is ONLY ONE single date left. Shock. Mustache man looks like he’s absolutely shitting it. Brooke is wearing the hottest dress I’ve ever seen – very sexy piece of coral vibes. The contestants realise (with obviously a lot of pre-warning from producers) that this is their last chance to impress their main gal. Jamie-Lynn Spears proceeds to place Brooke on an actual, literal pedestal to prove her love. Odd but OK. Konrad gives Brooke a rose necklace which matches his and shock I am in love with him. Unfortunately by now I’m sure we have all seen the *SPOILER alert* papped pics of K-rad and ex-bach icon Abbie Chatfield smooching in Byron so he is neither Brooke’s nor mine (for now). Darvid secures the final single date and a rose by gifting Brooke a bouquet of flowers purchased and delivered by the producers??? Man’s gotta be the winner.


Rose ceremony time and mustache man and PE teacher zaddy Luca are finito. The lesson here is, if someone sees a future with you, it doesn’t really matter if you almost make a 6 year-old child cry.

EPISODE 9 (Lilly)

We’re reaching the pointy end of the season and tonight’s ep is a double whammy! First up we have the final group date and final single date, and then it’s HOMETOWNS BABY. Let’s get into it.

Today’s group date requires the contestants to whip out their paint brushes for a good old fashioned Art Class. Brooke is posing *gasp* NAKED save for a red ?curtain? draped over her body. She tells the contestants that she doesn’t want her body to be sexualised in the way that women’s bodies generally are. She wants the contestants to see her whole self, all her scars and flaws - and still love her. Aww.

Everyone gets busy in their paints with a hearty glass of red wine for liquid confidence. Our sweet boy Kurt explains he is very nervous because he hasn’t done art since year seven and asks the class “what colours make grey?” to which Millie replies “ and white.”

No one actually paints Brooke how she is sitting for them so I daresay that the live modelling may have been a bit overkill. At the end of the class, each of the contestants reveal to Brooke their masterpieces in intimate one-on-one sessions, which are broadcast to the others to watch on (wine in hand). Everyone is growing increasingly uncomfortable when they release that Brooke has in fact established deep connections with the others. However as far as tear-jerkers go, Konrad takes the cake - he explains to Brooke that he painted her three future children, including her adopted or fostered ‘shooting star’ child. With Brooke’s energy, Konrad says, the child will excel and become a superstar. Queue the waterworks from both Brooke and half of Australia.

The tears paid off because Konrad scores extra time with Brooke, in which she gets straight down to business - asking what their life would look like together. This… does not go so well. Konrad, our free-spirited boy explains that he left his job, and he wants to search for something that will fulfill him. Brooke, however, needs something more concrete and stable - being the logical, practical Capricorn that she is. I fear Konrad’s plans to vibe are not going to align with Ms Brooke’s grind.

Lastly we have the final single date before hometowns and Brooke is taking Darvid wine-making, because, like wine, she wants her love to ‘get better with age’. I will ignore the fact that they are using table grapes (not the kind you need for wine making…) which does not bode well for Brooke’s metaphor.

Darvid and Brooke get nice and cosy in a wine barrel full of grapes and get to work squishing them between their bare toes. I tried not to think about the hygiene levels of this method of grape stomping and instead focus on the connection between Brooke and Darvid. They are obviously very into each other. It’s clear from the other contestants that Darvid is a front-runner.

Now it’s cocktail party time, and Konrad takes Brooke aside to attempt to clear up his airy-fairy response to Brooke’s question about his life plans, but somehow makes it worse? He describes a very dreamy morning of walking the dog and getting coffee together, but Brooke has shit to do! Fear not, Konrad, I know Abbie Chatfield is waiting arms open for you.

At the rose ceremony, young Millie and sweet Kurt are sent packing. As a parting gift Kurt asks Brooke to catch up for coffee on the outside world. How is he so bloody cute!?


OK so we all know how nerve wracking it is to meet the fam of your new belle or beau but can you imagine doing it with a camera crew, a national audience and while dating multiple others??? Not even slightly, but props to Brookey.

First up is Konrad’s Mum, Dad and brother and sadly due to the pandemic the meeting had to happen over Zoom. I can confidently say that Konrad’s Dad stole the damn show with his sweet nature and endearing love for his son. He starts off trying to find his glasses and fixing his hair in the camera and informs Brooke “I’m just a wacky guy”.

Once Konrad is out of the room, Brooke and the parents can get down to business - and by business I mean EVEN MORE TEARS. Daddy Konrad asks if Brooke can handle “Mr Sensitive” - before bursting into tears and revealing how much he loves his son, and how much it pains him to see Konrad hurt. It’s very obvious where Konrad has gained his emotional intelligence from, and very touching to watch. Brooke is starting to sweat as it really dawns on her that she is playing with the hearts of her potential lovers. Someone tweeted ‘Konrad’s family for gogglebox!’ and I someone needs to start a petition to Channel 10 stat.

Next up is Jamie Lynn Spears. Before the meeting starts, Jamie confesses to the camera she didn’t know if she would “make it out of the friendzone” and that she is “definitely falling in love” with our Bachette. So far we are two for two with the contestants chucking out the ‘L word’ which is how we know shit’s getting real.

Since Jamie Lynn is based in Sydney, Brooke gets to meet her two besties IRL. It’s obvious that someone (*cough* producers) has buttered friend #1 up to play bad cop and she’s ready with the hard-hitting questions. Friend #1 voices her concern to Brooke that she is dating three other people and I’m wondering if she understands the premise of the show? I guess that binging reality TV isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

Next in line is Darvid whose Mum and Sister are in Brissy so once again it’s a Zoom meet-up. Darvid emphasises that he is a BIG family man which is confirmed by his Mum who informs Brooke that they live just a few doors down from one another. Mumma Darvid only wants to know if Brooke will relocate to Brisvegas for Darvid because - if Darvid were to move to Melbourne, “I think I’d kill him”. Yikes. I’m going to ignore the fact that Darvid might have some Mummy issues to be working through but I AM concerned that grown adults are letting their parents dictate what they do with their lives.

The producers have certainly saved the most dramatic hometown visit for last as we venture to the Northern Baches to meet Holly’s family. This is a pretty big deal as we know Brooke is the first woman Holly is bringing home to meet the parents. Again we have some concerned Mother action with Mama Holly pulling Brooke aside for a chinwag. It’s a rather intense discussion, as Brooke reveals she intends to eventually settle back on country in WA. Another bombshell is dropped when the topic of children is raised - Brooke explains, as she has maintained throughout the season, that she wants a “tribe” - and Holly’s Mum says that Holly has always wanted either no children or one child. Brooke is visibly upset and says that she has been “blindsided” by this news, but Mama Holly shows no remorse for coming in and wreaking havoc, shrugging that “someone has to be the voice of reality”.

Brooke and Holly debrief after and it’s a painfully emotional conversation. The tears are rolling and Brooke strides away from Holly with some interesting camera angles following her into the bushes. However, Brooke concludes that maybe the topic of children is something the two can compromise on - which I’m not sure I entirely agree with, unless they decide to have half a child? Or 1.5? Unsure.

Tonight it’s our beloved Konrad that misses out on a rose but fear not dear readers!!! We can now confirm, after much soft-launching on her insta stories, Abbie Chatfield has HARD LAUNCHED on the grid that she and Konrad are in fact dating!!!!! I absolutely love this for the both of them. May they happily ever vibe.

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