Image source: The Bachelorette Australia, Facebook
ALRIGHT boys and girls, it is time for me to crack my knuckles and give you a short-but-potent recap of week three bach shenanigans. Let’s get into it.
Our single date was with new boy Luca AKA the absolute bull in a china shop from last week’s cocktail party. He is ready to go to war with every other hopeful for Brooke’s heart, so it seems fitting that the theme of this week’s date was Top Gun. A bit gauche but they both look exceedingly hot in Khaki. The two are in separate planes which doesn’t strike me as the most intimate first date, but they’re making it up for it by flirting over walkie talkies. Luca seems like a solid contender - and the two share some quality lip to lip contact after their death-defying date - but I’m racking my brain to remember if an intruder has ever actually won? (I don’t think so but correct me if I’m wrong in the comments.)
This brings me to a persistent query of mine – Why are the bach and bachettes ALWAYS daredevils who enjoy dates in fighter jets and abseiling down the side of buildings Bond-style? Where are the quiet bookworm bachies? The chess players? Less appealing, perhaps?
The group date this ep is basically a Tough Mudder course but instead of the prize being able to flex on insta, it’s time with Brooke. The contestants are split into OGs versus newbies to rile up the already budding rivalry, as both teams show off their rigs AND brains by answering a Brooke-themed quiz in between climbing various objects.
Kurt is annoyed because no one is listening to him even though he clearly has flash cards on Brooke’s interests under his pillow. I am also now calling the best burn of the season as someone refers to Luca as “Aladdin’s less in shape brother”.
It’s a tight contest but the OGs prevail (unsurprising considering the fresh meat have known Brooke for 7 minutes) and Kurt is picked for the solo time! The two settle down on the obligatory outdoor couch and Brooke is an absolute horndog for a kiss while this man whisper-talks away without visibly drawing breath. She also did not get the ick from the mid-sentence ‘burpin’ which is a good sign and Kurt secures the smooch and a rose.
The cocktail party produces some highly anticipated drama, as Carissa confesses to Brooke she cannot fall in love in these conditions and watch Brooke date other people so she is opting to exit. We are thus left wondering what show Carissa thought she was signing up for. I had such high hopes for turtle girl. It is sad nonetheless to see the two part ways and, with that, Brooke peaces out of this episode.
It is finally Jamie Lynn Spears’ time to shine! Today’s single date sees Brooke walking down a rainbow footpath (very on the nose, Channel 10) and on top of Sydney Tower with Jamie Lynn and … Osher? In a matching onesie? My dream date tbh. It is then revealed the two ladies will be attempting to break the record for the longest on-screen kiss and stealing the crown from season three bachelor Sam Wood. Queer history in the making on Australian prime time telly! We love to see it.
The official Guinness World Record timekeeper intently watching the two make out for five minutes and Osh yelling “you’re doing great, ladies!” and giving a mid-kiss gay history lesson is the most hilarious date set up I’ve ever seen. I’m in tears. Imagine your year 11 science teacher with a stopwatch standing two feet away while you play tonsil hockey. Incredible scenes.
Next up we have a group garden party date and it all seems very civilised. Pranked! There’s a surprise lie detector test. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
Everyone seems very sincere about their feelings for Brooke and the scary FBI man seems satisfied UNTIL Kurt is pushed to rat on Ryan for flirting with Jamie Lynn Spears instead of spending his days planning his and Brooke’s wedding! Piping hot tea. I’ve realised up until this point I thought Kurt and Ryan were the same person. Oops. Brooke is informed of the goss and has clearly written off Ryanas a contender but is mad at Jamie Lynn which feels a little unfair.
At the cocktail party, Jamie Lynn is adamant she did NOT flirt back. She also makes the very solid point that she’s close friends with other girls in the mansion but no one seems to be questioning that? I’m not gonna lie, I was hoping based on the previews that the sordid affair between contestants would be more dramatic - kinda wanted someone to bang.
At the rose ceremony, Ryan (unsurprisingly) and one of the newbies is sent packing. Brooke warns the remaining contestants they are not allowed to like anyone but her. A bit rich considering she’s simultaneously dating 20 people but that’s showbiz, baby!