Image source: The Bachelorette, Facebook
It’s here. The moment we’ve been waiting all of lockdown for and now for some reason has been timed to the exact week when I’m supposed to have a social life once again. The girls, gays and theys around Australia are sitting in their trackies, wine in hand, ready to critique the shit out of dresses and suits that cost more than our rent. God, I’ve missed it.
We’re approximately 45 seconds in and I’ve got a strange suspicion that the unprecedented and momentous occasion of finally having A B I S E X U A L BACHELORETTE is going to be a running theme throughout. Take a shot every time Osh says “unchartered waters” or “making history”. Actually, don’t do that. It’s The Sitch endorses the responsible consumption of alcohol and not getting sued.
Speaking of Osh, he is as stunning in his tux as ever. I am still in awe that 0 cast members in bach history have simply quit and declared their undying love for him. There’s still time I guess.
Our beautiful and tiny bachelorette enters and we obviously already love her. But, I’m not going to lie, this low-waist goth shower cap dress is simply not doing it for me. The attached gloves are giving Rogue from X-Men. A classic example of is it fashion or is she just hot?
Brooke getting emotional during the Welcome to Country and the heart-warming following chat about representation has restored my faith in the integrity of this season. Let’s be honest, despite it taking far too long to get here, Brooke being the bach is huge and is going to mean so much to so many people and I'm not crying you're crying.
Quick disclaimer before we start an unrestrained review of the contestants: I am terrible with names so most, if not all, are going to get a fun nickname until half the cast is culled. I am the person who opens a book and if they see reading it requires a family tree or map – I put it down and walk away. It’s not meant for me.
Now, we have our first arrival! And it’s the ruby slipper from the Wizard of Oz! But wait a damn minute – a blonde marketing administrator from Sydney named Holly? Could her relationship with Jimmy have ended this quickly? Shocked and confused. Brooke’s cupcake dress is leaving room for Jesus between the 2 during their slow dance which is very year 6 school disco and essential for keeping the eps at their prime, family-friendly 7:30pm time slot and I’m here for it.
Our first man has matched the bedazzled emo energy, has arrived on a lawn mower like the 80s heartthrob he was born to be and is hosting a tea party. Now he has a genie lamp. Considering some contestants arrive with ZERO PIZAZZ it’s all a bit overwhelming. Save some manoeuvres for the second date, hun, it’s a marathon not a sprint.
It seems, so far, that Brooke is going to fall in love immediately with every contestant. Can we blame her? No. Will it up the drama? God, I hope so.
The suave but unsettling music accompanying photographer dude’s entry does not bode well. This man has made no impression on me – Next.
BUT, we have fairy tale music for psychologist Cinderella which does bode well. Thirty seconds in we’re discussing funerals but Brooke seems into it. An early frontrunner I think and lo and behold, she whips out some hand-drawn rainbow turtle artwork which would have a 50/50 chance of making it on the fridge and BROOKE’S TOTEM IS A TURTLE. As I write this, my housemate’s mum has texted in “Clarissa ❤️” and then the emoji of two girls kissing. I agree. Get on Sportsbet immediately.
Next up, we have a man arriving holding three wooden pallets with a dangly earring which is overall giving Brunswick share house vibes and I cannot say I’m not into it a little bit. That may say more about me than him. I would use many words to describe this man but staunch is probably not one of them. Brooke CARRYING things in stilettos and taking charge of that power drill has only increased my love for her. They have skipped the first six months of their relationship and are assembling furniture together to later sit on and talk about how pretty they both are. Overall, I enjoy Konrad with a K despite the unnecessary high vis and, to quote Brooke, he was hot.
Now we have the usual quick montage of (sorry) forgettable boys and girls. Someone is rapping and I think there’s a reason no one has gone for this tactic in previous seasons. On the other side of the coin, someone pulled the genius move of bringing a TINY PONY. No idea which contestant brought said pony. I was transfixed.
Back to the dramatic music and we have an ~intruder~ from the Honey Badger’s season??? That seems unfair. I am going to call her Jamie Lynn Spears and I will bet every reader one whole dollar right now that she will make top five, especially considering the long lost letter angle. The intrigue.
After that whirl wind of entrances, we have reached the cocktail party portion of the evening. Thus far, the guys have been decent enough while the gals have been extremely impressive, so at least we’re getting an accurate representation of the current Australian dating climate. If you are the one straight male who has stumbled across this commentary, I am sorry but I am also honest. In fairness, one of the boys has already admitted that the presence of women means he is screwed so we’re all on the same page. More commentary via text from my housemate’s mum – “The men are weak”. Again, I must agree. The ladies have taken charge of the usual “cutting in” drama which is an interesting development considering, in the heterosexual bachelorette, the boys have absolutely no qualms about dogging the boys and yet they don’t seem capable of dogging the girls. Maybe chivalry is not dead.
The other contestants supporting Konrad with a K by helping him decorate his love bench is adorable. UNTIL. The greatest atrocity in bach history – the love seat thief. A contestant, who I cannot recall because she definitely did NOT build any furniture during her entrance and thus made no impression, has knowingly hijacked Brooke and Konrad’s lovingly crafted chair date. I did not envisage myself getting worked up about carpentry today but I’m fuming, he’s fuming, we’re all fuming. Intentional and deSEATful behaviour (I’m sorry it was right there). It’s reassuring to know we’ve secured our season villain this early on in the game. This has given me flash backs to the great dog c*nt incident of bach 2019. There’s always one.
Now, a montage of people telling Brooke she’s good looking. Facts, but boring.
As predicted, Jamie Lynn Spears is going to become Enemy Number One because they have HISTORY. The two have slipped away to one of the dozens of gazebos and skipped ahead to professing their adoration for each other and we’ve barely made it out of the gate. And a KISS at the first cocktail party??? Talk about unprecedented.
As our first ep begins to wrap up, I must say I’m floored the first impression rose has gone to Mr Sparkle Suit, though I must admit they are beautifully coordinated. I had picked turtle girl for the win.
Jamie Lynn Spears not attending the rose ceremony is also an odd turn of events. I cannot help but be reminded of Zoe Claire, our all time fave self-confessed hot ranga, “taking ill” before her rose ceremony in 2020. I too, like so many of us, have taken ill after over-estimating my ability to down cheap champers.
I have little to say about the rose ceremony apart from the fact that the love-seat-thief staying proves there is no justice in this world. I never knew pink suit man’s name and now I never will. Til next time.
It’s episode two, ladies and gents, and in a turn of events which has shocked no one: it’s photo shoot time. The perfect opportunity for promoting a gossip mag which I have not seen anyone read outside of an airport since 2004.
The first photo op is a noticeably awkward life guard scene where everyone is sitting what looks to be 1.5m apart, I assume for covid-safe reasons. Brooke looks like she’s drinking. Berocca out of a champagne glass. The Ian Thorpe lookalike is lounging seductively on an inflatable flamingo. The contestants fight over who gets to rub sunscreen on Brooke’s back. A lot is happening but also not much at all. In terms of school subjects, I see history but no chemistry between Brooke and Jamie Lynn Spears (zing?).
Next up, the love seat feud rages on as we have a three-way photo shoot with none other than the love seat thief, our fave sensitive, scorned tradie Konrad with a K and Brooke. We love to see it. They seem to have dressed the thief aka Jess in a full-body tartan kilt, which is our first step to revenge. I hope he pushes her in the pool. Alas, there are some mild territorial shenanigans over Brooke but nothing all that spicy.
Now to a big group Halloween photo shoot. The man in the pumpkin costume while everyone else gets to show off their rigs definitely pissed off someone in wardrobe and has been done dirty. I begin to develop a full bachie drinking game, take a sip every time a man asserts his dominance by picking Brooke up.
Holly and Brooke’s one-on-one photoshoot was very cute. I have nothing bad and therefore not much to say.
Drumroll pleaasseee it’s first date o’clock with Brooke and Darvid. To remind us all that dinner and drinks dates are for peasants, we open to the two holding hands in a helicopter over the Blue Mountains and about to abseil down the side of a rockface for an adrenaline-fuelled picnic. Personally, if someone asked me to sit on that tiny cliff hammock on a first date I would simply throw up and run away - probably in that order. More power to them. I spent most of the time alternating between thinking these two are cute and Darvid might be able to break the first-date curse and wanting to pull Darvid’s beanie down from the conehead position.
As we’re whisked back to the cocktail party, the producers have managed to scrape together a crumb of drama from what (with the obvious exception of romance burglar Jess) seems like a very well-adjusted group. Bravo. Darvid has cut in on Brooke’s very first chat despite being literally the only person to have spoken to her for more than 4 minutes and it’s a bit rough to be honest. Based on the previews, I thought the reactions seemed a bit OTT but now I’m in it and I feel the annoyance as if it’s my own. The use of the term ‘muggy’ to describe this injustice clearly shows the contestants have been watching a bit too much Love Island UK to prepare for their reality TV debut.
To wrap up, WHEN WILL THE WARDROBE DEPARTMENT GIVE HOLLY SOMETHING OTHER THAN A RED DRESS? The love seat thief lives to fight another day. Someone who I do not remember has gone home so we’re one step closer to me knowing everyone’s names. Tune in next week.